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Brian Counts To 9!

9I have to admit that my initial interest in 9 was based solely upon the first preview that was touted to me in the theater not so long ago.  The driving music, in the trailer, was the force that lit the wick on my inspirational candle, within my brain, to think that maybe this could be a good film.  I really should stop figuratively judging a book by its cover, but I could not help it.  What’s a boy to do? They had heavy metal harmonic guitar riff playing to the beat of this full-blown action cartoon of mayhem, fighting and war right there on the silver screen.  I was instantly hooked.  The worse part about it was that the second trailer built upon the first trailer and contained another wicked shred master film score track to accompany the driving action sequences.  Coupled that with the fact that the film is produced by the creative minds of Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov, director of Wanted, there was no way that I was going to miss seeing this flick on opening night 09-09-09.  When will you ever have another chance to see the film 9 on 09-09-09?  The answer to that question is simply never.

9 is a sci-fi action film directed by Shane Acker and stars Elijah Wood, John C. Reilly, Jennifer Connelly, Crispin Glover and more.  But wait!  It gets better.  Remember that rocking film score I was just talking about?  Well that, I am led to believe, was composed by none other than Danny Elfman, who many of you movie buffs should know without any introductions.  The movie is based upon a 2005 short film, created by Acker, of the same name.  The moment I heard that Tim Burton was involved, my mind immediately drifted to his masterpiece Corpse Bride and many others.  You don’t even have to try and sell me.  I have enough respect for Tim Burton’s projects that I will give any of his works at least one chance.  Before we begin here, I just have a quick warning to the parents.  I feel it is my civic duty to inform you that the film is rated PG-13 for violence and scary images.

While at Comic-Con this past year you could find guys and girls handing out nine different 9 film postcards.  Eight of them contained stitchpunks 1-9.  The characters 1 through 9 are officially known as stitchpunks, within the movie.  The other postcard, which was extremely rare, was called the Machine.  Of course, I received the Machine card way too late on my last day there.  I guess the first however many people that turned in the complete set got a very nice prize package.  Heck, thinking back, I am not even sure what that prize was.  I do know that I have a lot of 9 film postcards lying around the house nowadays.  I’m sure you can care less of about my postcard collection so let’s get down to the fine stitching of why you are all here reading this.

So what did I think of 9?  Geez, I am really dreading this question.  Notice how I spent the first three paragraphs of my review dancing around, merely avoiding this question?  Was it wrong of me to speak with the movie theater manager, after my 9:20 PM viewing, to see if there was anyway I could get my $13 dollars back?  Of course I did not do that, but looking back a boy can dream can’t he?  If I ever have to use these next four letters to spell a word in my life again, I hope I never mean it as bad as I do now.  What four letters am I referring to?  If I had to describe the film in one word I would spell it out and say it was a B-O-R-E.  After being filled with so much anticipation for this film, I have never been so let down in my life.  It’s like one minute I was Twinkie the Kid, filled with yummy cream, and then someone just stepped on me and all that cream just splattered out everywhere.  Now I know how an ant feels once it gets stepped on.  I take back all the negative things I said about Halloween II.  This film was the worst movie I have seen this year.  Heck, it even makes the Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li and The Unborn Blu-rays I watched this past weekend look stellar, for lack of a better word.

9 tells the tale of a post apocalyptic world, where machines had declared war on the human race and guess who won?  Yep, the machines!  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?  It’s like you heard this story before.  What movie franchise was that?  Oh yeah…Terminator.  Anyway, these nine stitchpunks eventually find each other and one thing leads to another as they try and solve the mystery of their existence and defeat the machines once and for all.  Throughout the film the audience is treated to one rescue mission after another rescue missions, some very bad dry humor and some lackluster action scenes sorely missing that bad a#$ guitar riff the trailer so prominently displayed.  That’s the last time I ever let a movie trailer get the best of me.  I would say that this movie would have benefited from a 3-D treatment, but that still would not have made it a better film.  The animation of the stitchpunks was fascinating but the background palettes were just blah and again, boring.  Sure this movie will probably do the Blu-ray format justice with a solid video and audio presentation, but I definitely will be turning down any and all chances of ever having to review this movie on that format.

I was kind of wondering why my local cinema of 24 screens only had this showing in 1 theatre throughout the day, even on this special day of 09-09-09.  Now I wonder no more.  They must have had clairvoyance or a little voice whisper to them as to how bad this film really was.  Looking back I can’t believe the money they must have spent marketing such a stinker of a film.  This film seemed like a natural destined to be hit at this year’s Comic-Con.  The celebrities that voiced the stitchpunks, in my opinion, had their talent wasted.  Never during the film did I ever feel any emotional connection to any one of the nine.  It’s like they were never really developed as characters.  Each of them had their own distinct attributes and mannerisms, but I never felt attached.  I always felt distant from them.  That’s too bad because this film had potential, but it just derailed off the tracks before it even got going (as I am singing Ozzy’s “Crazy Train” in my head right now).  If it were not for me reviewing this I honestly would have jumped the railing and fled my favorite seating location after the first thirty minutes.  I found myself praying that the film would get better, only to find out I had been doing so in vain.  As soon as the credits rolled the first name I was out of there.  The crowd was about as energetic as a teenager forced to a Sunday Catholic mass at 7 AM.

Oh well, you win some and you lose some.  Tonight I was dealt a losing hand.  If someone ever asks future Brian what he did on 09-09-09 I can honestly tell him or her that I saw a bad film called 9 on that historic day.  At least I did something cool, or so I thought, right?  If you really must see this one, please I beg of you, go during the day for a matinee showing, otherwise hold off for the home video format of your choice.  I have a feeling this one will be out before you know it.  I also heard they may bring back the VHS format for this film release.  That did not even make sense, but I am keeping it.  Good night!

9 Theatrical Poster

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Owner/Writer/Reviewer/Editor, Dreamer, Producer, Agent of Love, Film Lover, Writer of Screenplays and a Devoted Apostle to all things Ford Mustangs (the real ones with V8's!). Some of my favorite films include FIGHT CLUB, MOULIN ROUGE, THE DARK KNIGHT, STAR WARS alongside television shows such as SEINFELD, 24, SANFORD & SON and even the often loathed in the geek community BIG BANG THEORY. Outside of my three lives I live I also enjoy spending time with my girlfriend and our three girls (of the furry kind).

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