Why So Blu?

Brian’s Halloween II Monster Bash

UrbanDictionary.com defines the term poop as “bodily waste of varying color, viscosity, shape, odor and texture.  Usually exits the body through your pooper, speed, noise and degree of pain may vary depending on what you ate.’  YourDictionary.com refers to poop as “excrement; feces.”  Dictionary.net speaks of poop as a noun to allude to obscene terms for feces with synonyms such as crap, dirt, turd, etc…  I simply choose to define it as Rob Zombie’s Halloween II.

It really pains me to declare the statement I made above, but I left the theater feeling very uneasy about my relationship with Rob Zombie and the Halloween franchise.  I was disgusted that I sat through the entire movie thinking it could get better and in disbelief wondering how Rob Zombie could screw something up as formulistic as Halloween is.  If you really think about it, the script and storyline is practically spoon fed to the guy and all he had to do was show a few teenagers having sex, some patrimony slasher mayhem and a wish washy ending.  How can you mess that up?  It’s as basic as learning your ABC’s.  No, wait!  It’s as basic as taking a dump in your diapers as an infant.  It requires little to no thought on your part whatsoever.  That’s what the old Halloween movies were, and no matter how many people say they want something different, they really don’t.  They want to see some pretty girls, some monster who is indestructible, and someone who destroys everyone and everything in their path, not someone who hallucinates about a mom who looks like Gandalf with a white horse.  When the test-of-time formula is broken, not even Gorilla Glue can hold the pieces back together.  It may take a few days to scrub it off your fingers, but the foul stench of this film will erode in my mouth for years to come like waking up in the morning and realizing you can smell your own bad breath.  And guess what?  It smells so bad that it is the reason why you were woken in the first place.

Why do I feel bad about bashing this abominable example of American cinema?  I feel badly because not only am I a huge Michael Myers/Halloween franchise fan, but I also have the utmost respect for the creative genius and artistry of Mr. Rob Zombie.  Now with that being said I really don’t know anymore.  I really don’t know how I am going to wake up tomorrow and every other subsequent morning and be able to look myself in the mirror and honestly tell myself that Rob Zombie is a brilliant mind.  In all honesty, it would take a lot of psychiatric sessions, medication and time before I am willing to concede and give him another chance.  I stuck by him through the good times and the bad.  I let a few of his not so stellar albums and songs slip my hippocampus region of my brain while I rallied the troops in support of him when the naysayers were protesting against his first Halloween tampering.  Heck, I even bought all his movies twice, on DVD and then again on Blu-ray in support of his creative vision.  So what happened here?  I have my theories on what I believe went impossibly wrong.

Here is how I believe this went down.  My buddy Virgil, who always says we are going to get the band back together, may be right with his assumption that Rob Zombie did not have enough time to devote to this project.  I actually read once that the filming did not begin until this past March and he had an incredibly short time to piece this cinematic trash together.  I really hope that is the case, but still, no excuses.  It could all come down to B.S. politics where the studio green lit the movie at the last minute to make a quick buck and Rob may have had some hidden contract he was obligated to partake in.  After all, Rob Zombie’s Halloween wasn’t exactly a box office failure.  It pulled in a respectable $80 million during its theatrical release.  That’s hardly disappointing for a film that was on a shoestring budget of $15 million dollars.  To reinforce Virgil’s point, please take the following into consideration.  While attending Comic-Con, in July of 2008, I met Tyler Mane (Michael Myers).  I asked him if there would be another Halloween movie.  He said he did not know, but he was contractually signed to do two films if they should ever decide to do another one.  I think this is more overwhelming proof that Rob Zombie really didn’t have a lot of time to spare on the creation and development of Halloween II.  If that is truly the case, then what a tragedy it is.  We may never know what this film could have been.

My second train of thought unfortunately strays to creativity aspect of Rob’s clinquant and imaginative mind.  Or should I say the once brilliant mind he once had up until now?  Although I am a huge fan of Rob’s take on the first Halloween film, I have always felt that maybe the subject matter here is beneath what Rob should really be working with.  He should be doing so much more.  His movies are what should be mind f*$king us, not District 9.  I mean, how many of us fell in love with Rob Zombie’s vision in the House of 1,000 Corpses or The Devil’s Rejects?  I know I did.  Ever since that brief cartoon segment that he produced in that Beavis and Butthead movie I have never downplayed Rob’s artistic talents, until now.  Could it have been in his quest to create this Halloween movie in his own image, that he went a bit overboard, as there really is only so much you can do with the Michael Myers serial killer formula?  I loved the fact that he showed us just how messed up Michael Myers’ childhood was in the first film, but I got the point the first time after seeing Michael’s mom (Sheri Moon Zombie) appear as Gandalf over and over again in the second film.

It’s always difficult to discuss and dissect (the two D’s) a film without really going into the plot and giving certain elements of surprise away.  Not that there is anything shocking or revealing to spoil here, but out of respect to the individuals who still want to sit through this one I am just going to run through several of the low moments for me and share the only two good things I could find.  I already mentioned my displeasure with Gandalf the mom so I will let that unpleasant taste wander.  My second beef is the recasting of young Michael Myers.  I realize the original actor is a couple years older, but I think including him in this film would have made for somewhat stronger cohesion.  You can be the judge for yourself.  Besides the ridiculous storyline, the thing that bothered me the most was the hobo Nomad they called Michael Myers in the film.  It looked as if he just got off the train car with the Slumdog Millionaire kids.  I can appreciate the fact that maybe his mechanic outfit needed a much anticipated wash or that his latex mask was falling apart, but to see Michael Myers in pursuit with scarves around his neck and a hooded Dickies-like jacket, looking like he should be pushing around a shopping cart full of aluminum cans and trash bags, was disgraceful.  And what about all the endless shots where he was without a mask?  As my buddy Virgil said, I could appreciate the fact that he could not exactly go into CVS and buy a razor blade to trim the bush he had hanging off his face, but seeing Michael Myers without his mask is like taking away the magic of Christmas from your kid.  It’s not a good thing.  It not only ruins the tradition of the beloved Halloween franchise, but it ruins the menacing mystique of the killer known as Michael Myers.  He is, after all, suppose to be the Boogeyman, not Robert De Niro’s monster in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.  Right?  I’m just going to throw this out there and lay it on the line.  If you are desperately searching for closure on how he survived the gunshot wound at the end of the first film, then you are really going to be disappointed.  I have one more WTF moment to share and then I am done with my endless ranting.  How do you screw up the performance of the legendary Malcolm McDowell as Loomis?  That’s all I need to say.  You can see it for yourself, if you so choose.

In my opinion, the only thing the film got right, for the second time, was the casting of Scout Taylor-Compton as Laurie Strode.  As with the first film, the exuberant amount of energy and emotion she puts into her role keeps the suspension of disbelief alive for me.  Anyone who thinks it is easy to psychologically get into character the way she does and mentally break down for hours on end deserves to be a star too, or disproved, whatever the case may be.  The additional casting of Danielle Harris, yet again, is an added bonus for me.  Not only does it pay homage to the original Halloween franchise, but she also interacts well with Scout.  Although not beauty pageant contestants, especially in this film, the onscreen chemistry between Danielle and Scout just clicks perfectly.  You feel the tenderness and caring connection between the two friends.  I needed that so I did not separate all together emotionally from this train wreck film.

That ladies and gentlemen, is all I have good to say about Halloween II.  How sad is that?  I have been looking forward to this movie all year long and I end writing a bashing review of the film.  Rob Zombie’s Halloween will always hold a warm spot in my heart, as it was released on my birthday in 2007.  What better way to celebrate a birthday!  Halloween II, on the other hand, will go down as one of the worst movies I saw this year.  I really hope the being rushed excuse here is applicable, as I really would like to see Rob Zombie rebound from what is sure to be a low box office turn out due to all the negative press.  Next up for him is a remake of the 1958 film, The Blob.  Rob Zombie is excited because this will be an exit from the horror genre and an entrance into the sci-fi arena.  I remain skeptical and believe Rob is much better at doing his own thing, rather than playing with past franchises.  I think that is what makes Rob a visionary and I think he is only hindering his growth and artistic integrity by doing these remakes.  That’s my two cents.  Coming away from this film, I plan to check out some of Scout’s other films and look forward more than ever to Megan Fox’s Jennifer’s Body on September 18th.  How bad can it really be compared to Halloween II?  Please, don’t answer that.  I am still emotional after the death of my beloved Halloween franchise.  All of those purists, who say that Rob zapped the suspense out of the original Halloween, hit the target dead on with this film.  Cheers!