Why So Blu?

The Twilight Saga Extended Editions Triple Feature (Blu-ray Review)

We’re all older. We’re all wiser. It’s been a couple years removed from the Twilight craze. We can all now agree that Jacob was the wiser choice. Let’s be honest – Bella made a mistake marrying Edward. One can only arrive at that conclusion after submitting themselves to a re-watch of the first three films. It is my pleasure to report that they have only become worse with time, and the extended versions do them no favors. But it gives one plenty of time to debate who the worthy candidate is.

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Films:

If this series totaled just three films, there would be more love from me. There’s so much filler it becomes exhausting in the most uncomfortable ways. I wanted to fall asleep, yet I couldn’t, because what’s being viewed was so wretched I could not look away. By the end, I have become so grumpy and delirious that I finally understand how my cat feels when I insist he stay awake for hours to entertain me. Every single plot point is repeated three times and our leads express undying love for one another over and over and over again. Imagine a high school student reading Romeo & Juliet for the first time. Then imagine that they have no sense of character or pacing and took all the wrong things from that play. Then imagine that the teen writer huffs gasoline as a hobby. What they would produce would be very similar to the Twilight Saga.

There is a fairly decent conflict running through the first three films. Beginning in the first film, Twilight: The First One, a trio of vampires decide to hunt Bella, resulting in the death of the leader, James (Oscar-Winner Cam Gigandet), who also was the lover of Victoria (another member of the trio). the film ends with her shaking her fists, vowing to avenge her lover. Sounds pretty cool…until you realize that this conflict doesn’t begin until over an hour into the film and lasts a total of about 20 minutes of screen time.  Geez…what were they doing until then? Sparkling all over town, apparently.

Twilight: The Second One: New Moon continues the evil vampire plot when Laurent (the third member of this trio) confronts Bella while she’s strolling by herself. There’s quite of bit of tension building before a FRIENDLY WOLF BURSTS THROUGH THE TREES AND KILLS HIM! It’s actually a really fun sequence, and leads into the romance between Bella & Jacob. We also learn that Victoria sent Laurent to do the dirty deed, and for the remainder of the film she wanders around the town, jumping around trees and killing animals. She eventually is chased out of town in what is the funniest chase scene you’ll ever see. Her story takes a backseat to more Bella and Jacob, then Edward and the Volturi, which has no effect on any of the other films.

We finally arrive at Twilight: The Third One: Eclipse, where Victoria has had massive surgery to resemble Bryce Dallas Howard. During surgery, she had the idea that since her only two friends have been murdered, she would form her own army and attack all the vampires and werewolves. Dakota Fanning and that jerk mutant who steals powers from other mutants in X-Men: The Third One: The Last Stand stand around Seattle observing this expanding army, but never truly have any bearing on the proceedings, which makes me question the purpose of their screen time. The film then treats us to seven hours of love triangle drama, when all we want is badass vampire action. No matter how many times we see Jacob’s sexy abs or Edward’s gross, pasty chest or Bella’s blank stares, there’s still zero sexual tension between them – or any sort of tension for that matter, which results in zero emotional connection for the viewer. The Vampire Army doesn’t show up in town until 90 minutes into the film, kicking off a big battle, where vampires turn into stone and shatter, solidifying my assumption that the filmmakers truly hate me.

It takes three films to arrive at one of the most mundane action sequences in a major motion picture. This would be fine if the acting was enjoyable, but the only actor trying is Billy Burke as Bella’s father — and that’s even with line deliveries that are just short a wink at the camera. I would gladly watch Burke play all three main leads. Of course, the writing doesn’t offer much in terms of character development; in fact, all three leads are completely despicable in every way. There’s no way people take these characters seriously. I refuse to believe it. Given the choices offered to Bella, it’s obvious Jacob is the better of the two evils. He turns into an awesome wolf, he doesn’t sparkle like a Studio 54 dancer, he won’t give you a baby that tears your stomach open, and he doesn’t have a boring family. If I had to live with the Cullens, I’d let that baby just chew through me until I was just a couple fingers and toes wiggling on the floor. Imagine living with Jackson Rathbone and his everlasting deer-in-the-headlights stare. It’s like, “Whoa buddy, you’re creeping me out. At least put on some sunglasses if you’re expression never changes.” And don’t forget that Edward falls in love with Bella just on the fact that he can’t read her thoughts. Think about that. Am I the only one weirded out by this? Considering her monotone acting, her thoughts probably can’t be read because she has no brain cells.

There is no love from the people both behind and in front of the camera. Every opportunity to present the characters as vile and annoying are gladly accepted. In three films totaling approximately 8 hours, the main focus of conflict — Victoria — has maybe two hours of screen time. The rest is redundant of what the previous film already established in the most pedestrian way possible. The amount of effort is so minimal it’s embarrassing; this was definitely a project taken for the money. All the money in the world can’t save their dignity.

Video:

Encoding: MPEG-4 AVC

Aspect Ratio: 2.40:1

Clarity/Detail: These are ugly looking films to begin with, and the clarity of the discs doesn’t do the films any favors. The crummy effects are enhanced, the disgusting makeup is amplified, and the sparkles are twice as grating. At least the trees pop!

Depth: There’s depth to the few action sequences, but they’re flat films to begin with, so there wasn’t a lot there to work with. It’s most effective when the wolves are on screen, wandering about, doing wolf things.

Black Levels: Given that these films are about vampires and werewolves, most scenes occur at night, and this is where the films shine, especially in Eclipse. The sequences in Seattle where Victoria is building her army are beautiful and crisp, some of the most impressively shot moments in the series.

Color Reproduction: In a visually bleak series, the moments of color are stunning; a lot of effort was placed into making sure we see every moment of color, and boy is it a welcome change.

Flesh Tones: I’ve never been so repulsed by skin while watching films. People went out of their way to make flesh look so nauseating. It’s consistent, though, and all the facial expressions and textures are visible, for better or worse.

Noise/Artifacts: Nada.

Audio:

Audio Format(s): English: DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1; English: Dolby Digital 2.0; Spanish: Dolby Digital 5.1

Subtitles: English, English SDH, Spanish

Dynamics: This release takes full advantage of the surround sound. Right from the beginning, the scores soars throughout the room and remains balanced  throughout. None dominate the other, so you are always able to hear dialogue while enjoying the sound effects and score. There are nice touches, like subtle forest sounds that creates a pleasant ambience. Rain is clean and sharp, and the sound of wind increases the chilly environment. For maximum effect, listen to the baseball sequence or the third film’s battle.

Low Frequency Extension: The subwoofer gets a lot of work to do in the action moments, as every growl, punch, and shatter shakes the room.

Surround Sound Presentation: As stated already, the surround sound is top notch. The balance is perfect, as every channel is given an equal amount to prove their worth. No aspect is compromised.

Dialogue Reproduction: Levels are coherent, so you can here every line of the Oscar-Winning dialogue while enjoying all the pulse pounding sound effects.

Extras:

If you want extras, you came to the wrong place. Not even trailers. Pick up the theatrical editions for the goods.

Summary:

I don’t know who this release is for, honestly. The extended moments are simply the previously released deleted scenes edited into the film, ballooning the running time into an unnecessary length, amplifying what was already an endurance test to sit through. The last time I watched each film was in the theater, so I honestly can’t pinpoint what is new; all I can say is that the new cut does them no favors. And with a complete lack of features, there’s no justification to spend your hard earned money on this release.

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