Why So Blu?

Fantastic Four Is A “Grimm” Disgrace (Movie Review)

Let’s forget about whether this is a good film or not for a minute.  In my opinion, here’s a motion picture that should have never been made.  I understand all the reasons why it was made, the rights involved, securing the property and what not, but come on, really.  Do the trailers for this new Fantastic Four film look any better than the two Jessica Alba incarnations that came before?  In my opinion, they do not.  Actually, the trailers looked worst.  However, that’s just my two cents because I’m sure I’m in the minority here, but I rather liked the first two Jessica Alba infused Fantastic Four films.  They were fun, lighthearted and entertaining.  And hey!  If not for those two Fantastic Four films, the world would have never found the Captain America they all know and love today in that of Johnny Storm.  Ah, Johnny Storm.  Don’t even get me started on that topic (I’m not going to play that card).

So while this is technically the third Fantastic Four film to be distributed from 20th Century Fox, its a complete reboot of the franchise all together, like it or not.  I choose the latter path, but your destiny may lie in a different direction than mine.  I don’t know.  However, what I do know is this.  If you’re going to resurrect a franchise, make sure you get it right the second time around.  There are many choices as it relates to the cast alone where I’m just like what the hell are you thinking Fox?  Come on!  Get your heads out of your a$$es and wise up.  But like in real life, no one really ever listens to me.  Sigh.

They gave the directing chair over to newbie Josh Trank.  Now just because he got lucky one time around on his first outing with Chronicle, doesn’t mean lightning always strikes twice.  If his sudden departure from the Star Wars universe doesn’t signify problems with this Fantastic Four film that we are gathered here to talk about today, then I don’t know what does (pretending of course that you have not seen the theatrical trailers for this one).  Not that it matters, because there won’t be a sequel to this turd anyway, but the film, ATROCIOUSLY written by Jeremy Slater, Simon Kinberg and Josh Trank, stars the following actors: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathey and Tim Blake Nelson.  It’s sad too because up until now the careers of Teller and Jordan have been on fire, no pun intended to the latter, but I doubt this will hurt them significantly.  Everyone is entitled to a few stinkers in their career, right?  I mean look at the movies Ashley Judd has been in.  LMAO.

So in our story the team must learn to harness abilities gained from an alternate universe to save Earth from a former friend turned enemy.  Sounds like a winner, eh?  What it doesn’t tell you is that this team is comprised completely of teens.  I mean come on.  What 17-year-old is going to crack inter dimensional travel whether lone be tasked with that in a “government” capacity?  Worst than the lunacy of everything contained within here is the fact that the movie is lackluster, dull and a complete boring turd.  It’s so bad that congratulations Fantastic Four you are now ranked as my number four worst film of the year behind Tomorrowland, Jupiter Ascending and that horrible, horrible third entry in the Human Centipede franchise (R.I.P.).  What makes me even more sick are some of the critic comments like they say at least this has ambition compared to the previous two FF films.  So frickin’ what?  It takes ambition just to muster up the strength to write five paragraphs of a review for this turd.  Get off your high horses and admit that this was a really bad film.  Don’t give it credit or praise for something it is not.

The really funny thing about this film is that it set itself up for a sequel (tentatively scheduled June 9, 2017) ironically despite how God awful it was.  It’s screenwriting 101 folks and let me tell you how it is.  This movie clocked in somewhere north of 90 minutes, however, what felt like it should have been the film’s midpoint was actually its ending.  If you were to ask me, and you are, it was almost like the filmmakers knew how bad this was and decided let’s just end it here and hope we take filmgoers’ money.  People BEWARE!  Avoid this fantastic train ride at all costs.  Everything about this production is bad from the lazy dialog and unenthusiastic acting to the awful plot, teen titan syndrome and shabby special effects.  The Human Torch and The Thing are something to laugh at, not fear, and that’s just sad.  Dr. Doom was even worse.  I could not even look at him.  He was beyond laughable looking like almost unfinished special effects.  That’s really sad because these are comic book characters with such rich and vivacious attributes.  They are screaming to be done right on the big screen.  After seeing this, it’s absolutely no wonder Trank is no longer part of the Star Wars family (the Disney universe is a better place without him).  I hear McDonald’s is always hiring, Josh.  People, you’ve been warned.  I can’t write anything more about this one.  There’s nothing good to say so I’ll say it with silence and a fantastic bellyflop into my pillow.  Good night all!

Brian White

Owner/Writer/Reviewer/Editor, Dreamer, Producer, Agent of Love, Film Lover, Writer of Screenplays and a Devoted Apostle to all things Ford Mustangs (the real ones with V8's!). Some of my favorite films include FIGHT CLUB, MOULIN ROUGE, THE DARK KNIGHT, STAR WARS alongside television shows such as SEINFELD, 24, SANFORD & SON and even the often loathed in the geek community BIG BANG THEORY. Outside of my three lives I live I also enjoy spending time with my girlfriend and our three girls (of the furry kind).