Why So Blu?

Gregg’s Worst Films of 2012

I don’t remember being as disappointed by movies during the course of 2012 than I was in any other year. I mean, there were some genuinely terrible productions released this year. Now I try and see as many films as possible, but this time around, I eventually had to put the brakes on because of the seemingly incessant waste of time and money I was spending on them. It wasn’t quite big enough for a top ten list, but it came awfully close.  Doom on you, Hollywood.  You screwed up a lot this year.

Again, there were a lot of movies I saw this year that I did not care for, but that doesn’t necesssarily mean they were bad films.  For instance, Skyfall to me was very underwhelming.  Still, it contained great acting and a story that was enjoyed by many.  I don’t know how you fall through ice and maintain an avoidance to hypothermia, but that’s a whole other issue with the flaws of the latest Bond flick.  One film I did not see that would almost certainly make its way onto this list is Adam Sandler’s That’s My Boy.  Yet again he uses that incredibly annoying voice repeatedly in characters and it’s just not funny…at all.  As soon as I was a solid 10 seconds into my first viewing of the trailer, I made my decision to stay way clear of the full film.  Multiple viewings of the trailer only reinforced that.  So without further ado, and in no particular order (for the most part), let the list begin!

*

Dark Shadows – Do not tell me a movie is good just because your favorite actor is in it.  This movie was boring with a capital ‘B’ and ultimately had little to do with the television series of the same name that inspired it.  Yes, Johnny Depp is, in my opinion, one of the best actors out there, today or in any age of Hollywood.  Still, not even his talents could do anything to help the useless meandering of this film.

*

*

*

*

John Carter – Weeeeeee…I’m hurdling over mountain ranges.  Ridiculous.  Aside from one very beautiful Lynn Collins, there wasn’t much else to keep me glued to the story.  Even that action sequences weren’t that impressive.  Disney sunk a lot of cash into what ultimately became a sci-fi money pit.  I remember hearing someone praise this film a few months back, saying the reason why it under-performed in theaters is because it wasn’t marketed correctly.  Noooo, the reason why it didn’t do well is because it’s not a good movie.  That’s like saying pickle cookies didn’t sell well because the store didn’t advertise them enough.

*

*

*

The Bourne Legacy – Anymore, it seems like there’s always one film in a franchise that taints everything good before it.  The Bourne Legacy successfully achieved that status in this cat and mouse game of zero excitement.  I honestly do not recall one entertaining portion of this film.  The story had potential but hit the ground hard in the end.  Actually, it fell early and never got back up.  This movie felt longer than the actual run-time of Gettysburg.  Matt Damon where are you?

*

*

*

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – I checked this movie out simply on fellow writer Brian White’s appreciation of the novel.  When he said he was disappointed in its transition to the big screen, I began to have reservations of my own.  Let me tell you, ‘reservations’ doesn’t even begin to describe how terrible this movie was.  I can suspend disbelief for vampires.  If done well, vampires are a great aspect of film.  But how does a normal man manage to destroy solid trees with the swing of a modest axe?  Dumb.  The story was pointless and I pretty much had little to no attachment to the characters.  Fail.

*

*

*

Total Recall – If there’s anything I’d like to recall, it’s the $10 I spent on the movie ticket.  I don’t remember which of our staffers said this movie didn’t need to be made, but they were 150% correct.  If you’ve just landed on earth, let me be the first to inform you that the original starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, and while it’s not his best film, it was indeed a fun one.  This reboot, which almost felt like an Underworld reunion, was unnecessary and actually had the ability to make time stand still inside the theater.  I want to have that ability when I’m on vacation at an exotic location, not watching a movie.  If I ever needed an ejection seat, this movie was the moment for it.

*

*

*

Underworld: Awakening – Speaking of an Underworld reunion, look what came back in 2012.  I absolutely love the Underworld franchise.  Sadly, Awakening became The Phantom Menace of its lineage.  This movie was my biggest disappointment of 2012 because I had such high hopes for it.  Where do I begin with the problems this film suffered from?  Well let’s start with too many cooks in the kitchen; six writers and two directors.  If you can’t get it done with less than half of that, go home and call it day.  Another flaw was the lack of Scott Speedman.  His character is literally Selene’s right hand man.  His absence was very noticeable and sorely missed.  Next issue, the acting was anemic at best.  The cast around Beckinsale just didn’t do their jobs to the best of a professional actor’s ability…and it showed…repeatedly.  Lastly was the super werewolf.  Throughout the movie, we got to watch a massive lycan throw Selene around like a rag doll, yet he never finishes the job.  Epic story flaw.  It was basically the werewolf saying, “I’m going to keep hitting you until my heart stops beating.”  Now of course I don’t expect the main character to get bumped off, but the manner in which the fights went down was pretty silly.

*

*

Snow White and the Huntsman – Years ago I took a survey in a mall, which involved me watching a trailer of a film starring Sigourney Weaver titled Snow White and the Black Forest (which later came to be known as Snow White: A Tale of Terror). It was dark, brooding and intriguing, though I never knew how the full film was.  Enter 2012 with Snow White and the Huntsman.  Would this provide the entertainment I was seeking from that trailer years ago?  No.  Visually, this movie was quite attractive.  The landscapes, scenery and special effects were all impressive.  The story and the acting were headache-inducing.  First off, Kristen Stewart is like Darth Vader.  She has one expression and her face doesn’t change.  Secondly, and partially because of the first reason, she’s not a good actress.  In addition, the script of this movie went nowhere for me.  It was tedious if nothing else.

*

*

Piranha 3DD – Its predecessor, Piranha, starring Elisabeth Shue and Jerry O’Connell, was a horror-laced, comedic romp through the piranha-infested waters of a college-break resort town.  The movie was a campy blast that has earned repeated viewings from me.  Piranha 3DD, however, was filmmaking at its lowest.  It’s not my pick for worst film of the year, but if you think it is, I certainly wouldn’t attempt to argue against that.  Bad story, bad acting, bad everything, just not bad ass.  I don’t know how someone sits down with other investors and thinks, “Yeah, this will be a good project to put my money into.”   The only factor that held this back from taking the cake as most horrible cinematic atrocity of 2012 is you know it’s going to be ridiculous going into it.  Although instead of just being ridiculous, it ended up being ridiculously terrible.

*

*

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance – Okay, this is my worst film of the year.  First problem, Nick Cage.  Terribly miscast in the role (again).  Second problem, bad directing.  Third problem, partially tied to the second problem, bad acting; the supporting cast especially.  Ciaran Hinds is a brilliant actor.  He excelled in the role of Julius Caesar on HBO’s Rome.  Here he’s downgraded significantly by what he immersed himself in.  Surround yourself with rubbish and you will smell like it.  The only redeeming quality in this movie is the CGI work of the actual Ghost Rider.  Other than that, it’s a colossal waste of time to sit down and view this film.  If somebody thinks Nicolas Cage makes a good Ghost Rider, than that’s like saying at 5’6″, I will make a great Bane.  If you like this movie, good for you.  If you think it should be rated anything higher than 1 out of 5 stars, then that’s a tragic opinion.  Congrats, Ghost Rider.  You now hold the top two spots for worst comic book movies ever made.

*

*