Why So Blu?

‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ is the LAST Transformers Movie I Ever Want To See (Movie Review)

Believe me when I say this I never wanted write this review.  In fact I never wanted to even see this flick.  Call me a glutton for punishment, but I know the real truth.  I’m just flat out cheap and don’t want to pay to view it.  You see I loved the first Transformers film.  It was both epic and adventurous, but the second feature was a bloated, flaming turd.  The third outing improved upon things, but everything gained was lost in my opinion in the last entry, Transformers: Age of Extinction.  The title says it all and I wish the franchise would have died there as the stupid title implies.  Nevertheless Michael Bay is back with another mess to rip apart and ridicule, Transformers: The Last Knight.  Yes ladies and gentlemen this summer blockbuster is just as ludicrous as the name suggests not to mention some of the worst trailers of the year too.  However, before we get into everything that’s wrong with Transformers: The Last Knight let’s get all the proverbial housekeeping out of the way.

Transformers: The Last Knight is now the fifth installment in the live action series.  Once again it is helmed by Director Michael Bay, and once again he swears this is his last one.  God I hope so!  I don’t say that out of animosity towards Bay, but he has much more talent in his little pinky than directing this nonsensical trash.  The interesting thing about this one is the cast.  It sees new cast from the last film along with old ones from the first three.  Sadly Megan Fox is nowhere to be found.  Boo!  Neither is the character of Sam Witwicky for that matter (although there are some references to him).  From a certain point of view his career sucks now anyway so no loss really.  Instead we have main star Mark Wahlberg reprising his roles from Age of Extinction alongside Josh Duhamel and John Turturro from the first three movies.  They are joined by new faces Sir Anthony Hopkins, Laura Haddock (a British looking version of Megan Fox) and more.

So searching online provided me with the following (yawn) synopsis of it all below:

The Last Knight shatters the core myths of the Transformers franchise, and redefines what it means to be a hero.  Humans and Transformers are at war, Optimus Prime is gone.  The key to saving our future lies buried in the secrets of the past, in the hidden history of Transformers on Earth.  Saving our world falls upon the shoulders of an unlikely alliance: Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), Bumblebee, an English Lord (Sir Anthony Hopkins) and an Oxford Professor (Laura Haddock).  There comes a moment in everyone’s life when we are called upon to make a difference.  In Transformers: The Last Knight, the hunted will become heroes.  Heroes will become villains.  Only one world will survive: theirs, or ours.

So first things first.  Where the hell did Optimus Prime go?  Well I remember in the last turd of a movie we saw him have the magical ability to fly away.  At least there’s some continuity there, eh?  But why is he a villain now?  That’s some Dom Fast & Furious stuff isn’t it?  Of course it is!  What’s even worse is when he becomes a good guy.  You see Optimus Prime is dubbed Nemesis Prime in this outing and his brief appearances throughout actually make the film worse than better.  Even Bumblebee can’t save this film.  Wait?  It just dawned on me.  I never told you what I thought of this one.  Can you read between the lines?  Truth be told you shouldn’t even waste your time reading this review.  I already made the ultimate sacrifice for you.  Save for seeing if there was anything after the ending credits (there is a scene during them) I stayed awake and seated for the whole excruciating two hours and forty-minute bloated runtime.  Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen that wasn’t easy.  It was very painful.  I don’t know how many times I checked the time on my watch or hoped/prayed the projector would catch on fire or something to that effect.  LOL.

Once again here we the movie going audience are insulted with a very dumb script.  Does Michael Bay just put his name on anything that says Transformers or does he actually read these screenplays?  Good God how do these get made?  It pisses me off because I know without a doubt the crap I write is better than this just as sure as I am that you’ll get sick from eating rotten eggs.  Speaking of rotten eggs…what about that plot of Transformers: The Last Knight.  Where do I start?  Well for starters it definitely doesn’t get better than the last turd outing.  It actually gets worse.  Hey ho!  Cybertron is coming to planet Earth.  Once again Earth holds a secret and it’s possible to resurrect Prime’s home planet of Cybertron here on Earth.  Golly gee where did I hear that SAME storyline before?  Even worse Megatron is back so now we have bad dialogue exchanges from both Prime and Megatron.  Wait!  It gets worse!  Bumblebee can now split apart into ten pieces, there’s two Autobots with beards, Marky Mark looks ridiculous wielding a sword, Hotrod has a French accent and can stop time and oh yeah there’s even baby Dinobots.  Yes you read that right I said there’s BABY FRICKIN’ DINOBOTS!  Should I even prolong the agony of this film review here?

The only saving grace The Last Knight has going for it is its likable cast.  Even Sir Anthony Hopkins was a hoot in this.  Laura was basically your beautiful damsel in distress, but there’s a twist with her.  Relax!  It’s not that big of a deal.  Other than that you have the usual Bay bam booms going on with slow motion galore and fireworks/explosions going off just about every five minutes or so.  I will say this that there’s a lot of action, carnage and destruction in this one, but too bad it’s so damn dumb.  Kurt Cobain is a fortune teller as he wrote about this movie in his song “Dumb” way back in 1993.  When he says “I think I’m dumb” it’s a metaphor for how he feels about this fifth butt numbing installment in the Transformers franchise, which for the record makes Underworld: Blood Wars look like one of the year’s best.  It’s sad but true, but please I beg of you Hollywood stick King Arthur’s sword into this franchise not figuratively or literally, but physically.  Kill this series before it ruins my fond childhood memories any further of collecting and playing with these cool action figures.  Even the battles I made up as a boy with these toys has more imagination than what I saw on the screen with The last Knight.  Heed my warning and stay away!  Hey!  Kurt Cobain wrote a song about that too in 1991!

Just an FYI – THE TAG LINE FOR THE MOVIE POSTER BELOW SHOULD REALLY READ “RETHINK YOUR DECISION TO WANT TO SEE THIS FILM.”  Come on peeps!  Don’t give them anymore of your hard earned money to make this level of crap!