Why So Blu?

Don’t Get Burned By ‘The Heat’ (Movie Review)

Make no mistake, I’m solely doing this review for my girlfriend.  Am I not a nice guy or what?  After seeing Melissa McCarthy in this year’s Identity Thief I absolutely wanted nothing to do with her ever again.  I grew so tired and disgusted hearing her cuss and drop endless F-bombs for absolutely no reason at all over and over again throughout that film.  It was funny in Bridesmaids, but enough is enough, woman.  You are not the second coming.  You are not funnier than The Hangover (unless we are talking exclusively Part III).  So needless to say, even though I chuckled a few times during the initial trailers for The Heat, I really wanted to be left out in the “cold” for this one.  Sometimes you just got to suck it up and do things others want to do or see too, right?  Of course, horse!

Simply put, The Heat is a buddy, crime comedy film written by Katie Dippold and directed by Paul Feig.  In addition to the #$%, umm nice person I talked about above, the film also stars the likes of Hollywood mainstay Sandra Bullock, Dan Bakkedahl, Michael Rapaport, Marlon Wayans and more.  The film is distributed by 20th Century Fox and clocks in at approximately 117 minutes long.  Can’t be anymore vanilla than that, can I?  I do try my hardest.  Haha.  But while we are here and I have you trapped on my review page, I guess we should take a closer look at what you can expect to find here and answer the BIG question…IS THE HEAT ANY GOOD?  Or as I like to say, is The Heat ice cold?!

I have a feeling this review’s going to be very short and sweet.  Why?  Well, let me ask you two simple questions.  Have you seen Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality before?  Did you see Melissa McCarthy in this year’s Identity Thief?  If you answered yes to both of those questions, then you’ve already have seen The Heat.  Combine those two and you have the same exact film right down to a tee with Sandra once again playing a manly FBI agent and Melissa showing off her only asset…her ability to cram the F-word into every sentence she moos.  Way to challenge yourself in your roles, Sandra.  You’re better than this!  And Melissa, thanks again for turning me off with your constant vulgar language?  Seriously!  Enough!

Here you have your typical buddy cop film almost on par with 2010’s Cop Out, but sadly I liked that title more.  There’s very little character development to be found here.  The characters are all pretty wooden and two-dimensional.  Sadly, Sandra plays her twin sister from Miss Congeniality.  I swear I could pop that movie in right now and not even know she’s playing a different character.  McCarthy…um…can’t we talk about better things in life?  Sadly, the majority of the audience laughed at every F-bomb she dropped.  I’m not sure why I didn’t.  Am I more mature than them (may explain why I don’t get pot humor at all in movies such as Pineapple Express or This Is The End)?  Do I want more intellectualism in my jokes?  I guess so.  However, I did laugh at two of her jokes though.  One presently escapes me, but the funniest one in my opinion was directed towards Dan Bakkedahl’s character.  Dan plays an albino DEA Agent.  Melissa consistently insults him left and right throughout the film.  And by the way, in my opinion, Dan’s the best thing about this movie.  Anyway, because of his ghost white appearance, Melissa’s character asks Dan’s if his wife is a bag of flour with a hole in it.  Now that’s humor, folks!  LOL.

The basic gist of the story here in tandem with the love/hate relationship of FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Bullock) and Boston Police Detective Shannon Mullins (McCarthy) is the fact that they must work together, no matter how impossible it seems, to take down a Russian mobster.  Sarah’s in it for the promotion.  Mullins is in it to keep the streets safe and also to protect her family, whom have been exposed in all of this.  Sarah, much like her character in Miss Congeniality, is very manly, nerdy and does everything by the book whereas Mullins does whatever it takes to get the perps…and I do mean whatever it takes.  I can’t seemingly get past Michael Rapaport’s Prison Break character to really deliver any goods on him.  If you’ve seen him in that show, he’s the same here, expendable in my opinion.  And I’m not sure what value added is having Marlon Wayans in this picture.  He does very little in both the comic relief department and also in the supporting one too.  He was better in GI Joe.  I know what I want to say about him, but it wouldn’t be politically correct so I’ll stop right there.

So all in all, The Heat hits pretty much every beat of the buddy film genre.  I can’t argue that.  The film plays it safe in every respect.  There’s nothing you haven’t seen before or heard with the exception of a few unique jokes here or there.  Heck, I was mad they changed the one scene from the trailer where Sandra clangs her beer glass with Melissa’s and cuts her hand.  They totally changed McCarthy’s reaction and I have no idea why?!  In my opinion, it actually broke the continuity of the film as to the way McCarthy’s character is supposed to react during medically gross out moments.

Let’s be honest.  Can we?  This isn’t meant for us guys, is it?  It’s okay if you want to go and check Bullock out.  I totally understand it.  Therefore, what it all boils down to is the fact that a lot of guys are going to get dragged to this over the weekend.  That’s what the studio is banking on.  That’s why it got made.  It’s sad because I know Sandra is dynamically capable of so much more in her roles, but I expect this is a really easy paycheck for her.  Who am I to put her down for that?  I would have done the same thing in her shoes.  So make the most of it guys.  I’m sure you’ll laugh and have a good time, but this film does very little to break the conventional boundaries of filmmaking.  It’s cookie cutter, bland and merely meant for nothing more other than a girls night out or a safe date movie.  Other than that, it’s a rather forgettable experience in my humble opinion.  Enjoy!