Why So Blu?

Gregg’s Top 5 Duds of 2014

Oh yes, there were many more than five, and I’m sure Tammy was one of them, but I did not have any hope for that anyway. The following five films were works I had gone into with an open mind and wide eyes. In hindsight, they were wallet vacuums, stealing my money on account that someone responsible for them thought they were putting out a good product. I’ve got all the bases covered here too; comedy, family, action, etc. Most of all though, these five movies delivered boredom more than anything else.

*

*

*

*

 

5.   Stalingrad – There are a few films out there with this title, most if not all referring to the Nazi-siege of the Russian city during World War II.  In this German and Russian language film, we see activity on both sides of the battlefield.  Overall, this was not a bad movie, but two very strong items earned this film a spot on my list; the beginning and the ending.  Imagine if you’re watching a movie and it opens with people playing tennis in modern day.  A minute later, you’re watching two guys hunting geese 60 years ago.  That’s kind of how I felt with Stalingrad.  The movie opens with people in modern day getting rescued from what I believe was an earthquake.  For the first ten minutes, the couple behind me and I thought we were in the wrong screen.  Eventually the film gets to the 1940’s and we see the Germans and Russians fighting one another.  The movie ends back in modern days with people getting pulled out of rubble from that earthquake.  What was I watching and what was the director smoking??

*

**

*

4.  22 Jump Street – Yeah the sequel was very self-aware it was a sequel and didn’t take itself seriously.  Does that make it better?  Not in this case.  It was an awful follow-up to an otherwise side-splitting original.  Tatum and Hill have good comedic chemistry together but none of that mattered here.  The humor was very contrived and stale and took this film to destination nowhere.  Hopefully the studio does not suffer from trilogy-itis and we can leave this bummer sleep.

*

*

*

*

*

*

3.  Muppets Most Wanted – I loved the 2011 film.  I was elated to see that it was a great revitalization of the TV show.  Most Wanted, though, choked on the boredom sauce shortly after it started.  The moments of laughs could be counted on one hand and without using all of my fingers.  Also, watching Kermit in jail for nearly the entire movie was not my idea of a good Muppets film.  The laughs were forced throughout and the movie ultimately became a billboard for “how many cameos can we fit into one film.”

*

*

*

*

*

*

2.  Robocop – Hey let’s take an awesome R-rated blockbuster from the 90’s…and redo it as a PG-13!  What a great idea, right?!  NO!  Go play out in traffic.  This movie was terrible.  I am usually not big on remakes but looked forward to this one, only to have my sci-fi inner nerd stepped on by what played out on screen.  Its saving grace was a black-clad Robocop, but that’s as much a saving grace as using a toothpick to brush your teeth.  We had the talents of Michael Keaton and Gary Oldman, though those were wasted here.  The character connection to the audience was another non-existent aspect to this, as Star Lord would say, “turd blossom.”

*

*

*

*

*

1.  The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – Could there be anymore build-up to one massively expensive lackluster film?  My first complaint is who cast the Green Goblin and who was in charge of that hairstyle?  That dude strikes fear into the hearts of barbershops everywhere.  Hair aside for a minute, what a bad casting for that role.  I mean it doesn’t get any more wrong than that unless the script calls for killing off Darth Maul.  Jamie Foxx as Electro?  Uhh, wrong, but not the worst thing about the movie.  This felt like a four-hour film.  This was a ride that would never end and is proof that regardless of a monstrous budget to play with or a solid group of A-listers donning your roster, you still need a good story to back it all up.  I didn’t care if Spidey bit the dust.  I didn’t care if the whole world was swallowed up into a gravity sucking vortex.  Bored.  Bored.  Bored.  Right now, I’d be more excited for a Moon Knight movie than another one of these (unless it’s Spidey in the black suit and he’s a total bad ass).