Faster Gets You Nowhere

I’m learning how to properly execute a head-butt.  You may ask why and I can tell you it has something to do with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  No, I’m not trying to emulate his wrestling career.  I had the misfortune of watching Faster this week and I’m attempting to pound the memory out of my head.  Starring Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thornton and Carla Gugino…oh Carla, why did you have to take this script…anyway, it features those aforementioned “actors” (let’s face it, Dwayne Johnson isn’t an actor) and throws them together in this revenge-oriented tale of brotherly love and determination.

I’m going to do something I’ve probably never done before in a film review; I’m going to spoil away.  This is actually to help you, not ruin the film for you.  Faster’s creators already took care of the latter part for you.  The only thing getting spoiled by reading this review and then going to see the movie is your money.  Dwayne Johnson plays a character whose name is never revealed.  The credits simply refer to him as “Driver.”  I know, creative as hell, isn’t it?  Billy Bob Thornton plays a drug addict cop known as, buckle up for this one, “Cop.”  I guess I should be thankful no one played a gynecologist.

Driver completes his prison sentence and runs aimlessly through the desert where he finds one Chevy Chevelle SS, complete with loaded revolver that was planted for him.  He’s got a bloodthirsty look in his eyes as he sets his sights on taking out all the guys involved in killing his brother.  You see, Driver was a driver (imagine that!) for a bank heist that his brother was part of.  They escaped the cops, but not another gang.  The conflicting baddies take out Driver’s brother and Driver (or so they thought) in close quarters cold-blooded fashion.  Praise the Lord for ricochets!  The bullet actually went through the back of Driver’s head and out his cheek bone!  Ta-da!  I couldn’t be happier for bank robbers everywhere.

Billy Bob roams through this pointless family subplot where he’s trying to resurrect a failed marriage, renew time with his young son, and kick his drug habit.  The narcotic vice fit into the overall story, but everything else was shoved into an otherwise anemic script.  Enter the British software mogul who transforms from nerd to yoga master hitman, hired by Billy Bob, or should I say Cop, whose duty is to intercept and kill Driver.  People get shot, Gugino gets lost in the background, and bad guys plead for mercy.  Meanwhile, Johnson maintains an expression throughout the film of a diarrhea victim who just ran out of Imodium.

I nodded off twice during this movie and it wasn’t from a hard day’s work.  This movie stunk.  It certainly wasn’t as bad as Jonah Hex, but it easily makes my top ten list for 2010…of the year’s worst movies. It had a well-thought out aspect here and there, but ultimately their importance paled in comparison to the overshadowing negatives.  The story is blah, the acting is unimpressive, but the credits looked great when they started scrolling up the screen at the end.  Man, whoever was in charge of that should get a paycheck or something.


3 Responses to “Faster Gets You Nowhere”

  1. Brian White

    Sucks I missed this one 🙁

  2. Gregg Senko

    Um, no it doesn’t actually.

  3. Brian White

    I know, I was being facetious 🙂