‘Machete Kills’ & Gets Laid Doing So…Again! (Movie Review)

Machete KillsMachete Kills represents everything that’s wrong with Hollywood, sexploitation, extreme gore, bad dialogue, ridiculous plot and action sequences…you name it.  But why do I love it so much?!  Because it’s so much God d@mn fun!  That’s why!  If you can’t let go and have a fun time with a Machete flick, then you’re a robot!  Loosen up.  Let go of everything that makes sense in life.  It’s perfectly acceptable to rip someone’s intestines out, jump out the window with them in tow and swing from them to the below building floor.  Totally realistic!  Right?  Wrong!  But who the hell cares?!  This is Machete and this is the Austin’s prodigal son, Señor Robert Rodriguez.  If you can’t respect that harmonious blend, then I have no reason to deal with you anymore.  Move along.  I’m sure there’s a Muppets review or two here on the site for you to look at.  However, for everyone that’s serious in having a “grindhouse” of a good time, stick around…this one’s going to be fun, nonsensical and everything irrational as we discuss the second film in the planned trilogy, Machete Kills.  Hold onto you inners, here we go!

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Machete Kills is now the third film based on the Grindhouse fake trailers, with the first being Machete and Hobo With A Shotgun (absolutely horrible in my humble opinion).  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Tom Savini and Michelle Rodriguez will all be reprising their roles from the first film.  Sofia Vergara, Lady Gaga, Amber Heard, Antonio Banderas, Zoe Saldana, Vanessa Hudgens, Cuba Gooding Jr., Alexa Vega, Demian Bichir, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and more are newcomers this time out.  Holy crap!  Did you see that line up I just typed?!  Talk about an all-star studded cast!  Once again, if you can’t have fun with this one, you’re dead to me.  Just look at that fun movie poster below!  Sadly, the only one missing this time out is Lindsay Lohan.  Ten bucks says he gets Brittany Spears in the next one.  Any takers?

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Let’s skip the foreplay and any backstory there may be in assumption that you’ve already seen the first film.  If not, then I’m afraid you have some required homework to do.  Now, moving on…in Machete Kills after a brief preview of the next Machete film (you heard me right) and an action sequence with Sartana (Alba), the US President, Rathcock (Sheen), recruits Machete (Trejo) to stop a revolutionary madman, Mendez (Bichir), from launching a deadly missile aimed at Washington, DC.  Machete is assigned to “work” with the gorgeous Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard), who gives him his own iPhone (who says Machete doesn’t text?), and also gets hunted down by a brothel of prostitutes headed by Madame Desdemona (Vergara) and a chameleon known as El Cameleon (I’ll avoid the name here as to not spoil things) as he uncovers a potentially bigger problem, an eccentric billionaire arms dealer, Luther Voz (Gibson).  You see, Voz is hellbent on starting riots in every country as he claims to know what’s going to happen in this world because he’s always two steps ahead of everyone else and he even has his own space rocket to prove it (that’s all I’m saying).

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So yeah…Machete kills in this one…again!  LOL.  What more can I say?  You’re not going to this one in hopes of seeing an Academy Award winning performance or two (especially the critics of Michelle Rodriguez).  No such thing is going to happen here and if it does strike me down with lightning right now.  No!  You’re going to this one to A) support Robert Rodriguez, B) have a good time and C) just let go of all seriousness in your bones.  If you can’t at least do those latter two, you should NOT be coming here to see Machete Kills.  This is NOT the film for you.  For all others, you know what you’re getting yourself into.  If you want nothing more than to see hot, sexy bombshells going absolutely crazy and losing all control on the big screen, heads cut off effortlessly, bad special effect after another and a guy who seemingly can’t be killed even when he’s shot point blank by an army of men, you DESERVE to be here and you SHOULD be here.  This IS the film for you!  Let go, have fun and just go on the wild and crazy ride with Machete as he travels the countryside to stop a man even madder than himself.  Why is he mad?  Well, I guess you’ll just have to find out for yourself.  The one thing I do know though is Machete is a Mexican you never want to cross.  No matter what the terms are, you always want the guy on your side because no matter how ugly or repulsive you find him, he’s always going to get the girl (even your chick) and he’s always going to win.  If you can accept that, once again, this IS the film for you!

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What can I say?  I’m a sucker for these films!  I’m a devoted disciple of Robert Rodriguez and his work.  He can do no wrong in my opinion.  Sure it’s asinine and non-sensical and hopefully my film score below reflects that, but what it’s also is a great time to be had if you can let go.  It makes me laugh.  I love the raunchiness of it.  Can you tell I’m not a parent?  Maybe that’s why.  But this is one of those films and genre that’s really the case where YRMV.  Oh, okay!  That means Your Results May Vary.  I can’t stress that enough!  If you don’t like the idea of seeing not a single bullet hit your main character when ten people are firing at him with automatic weapons from ten feet away or a strap on bra that rapid fires, then maybe try your luck with the crowd pleaser Gravity.  Now that’s not to say I did not have issues with this one either, because I did.  I honestly feel like they crammed so many stars into this one they were all cheated of adequate screen time.  For example, I’m a huge Lady Gaga fan.  I was looking forward to seeing what she was capable of here and I don’t feel I got the price of admission (even though I didn’t pay) for what I was looking for.  Same thing goes for Cuba, Jessica and the rest of the folks with whom I was looking forward to having such a great time with.  The story feels like a disjointed Austin Powers adventure you’ve seen already, but what the hell?!  This is the Mexican version!  I can’t say enough good things about this cast though.  Despite the brevity of screen time they all had, they all seemed like they were there for Rodriguez, showed up and had a great time with doing so. In other words there were no Bruce Willis moments.  LOL.  I will definitely be looking forward to adding this to my ever growing Blu-ray collection and if you can wait for it, I urge you to do so if only to save money for the eventual Blu-ray release.  All other fans of Rodriguez or the genre, who know what they are getting themselves into, why are you still reading this?  Go see Machete Kills now!

P.S.  I love all the Star Wars references, gadgets and gags, Rodriguez.  You already had me at hello, but the inclusion of these were priceless, IMO.

Machete Kills Poster


3 Responses to “‘Machete Kills’ & Gets Laid Doing So…Again! (Movie Review)”

  1. Aaron Neuwirth

    “He can do no wrong in my opinion” – I forgot how much you love Shark Boy and Lava Girl 3D

  2. Aaron Neuwirth

    Hey, we both mentioned Austin Powers!

  3. Brian White

    “He can do no wrong in my opinion” because as long as I steer clear of those, I probably won’t lose respect for the man 🙂
    “Hey, we both mentioned Austin Powers!” Groovy!