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Does Twilight Suck That Bad?

TwilightThe question begs to be asked.  Does Twilight suck as bad as our mascot Dexter leads us to believe (see photos below)?  What is everyone’s infatuation with the Twilight movies and books?  Are they really as good as everyone makes them out to be or are we the American people so brainwashed by pop culture that we believe anything that is told to us?  I tend to put my money in the latter of the two stocks.  And finally, what’s up with that dude’s hair?  Let’s take a closer look at what makes the Twilight saga so appetizing to Dexter and the masses. 

I first learned of the Twilight series during one of my trips to Comic-Con.  I remembered hearing rumblings that the infamous young adult book series would soon be brought to life on the silver screen.  Yeah!  Just what the world desperately needs, another teenage vampire movie.  After seeing the very young audience the film’s panel discussion at Comic-Con had drawn, I decided that my 30+-year-old body was too old for the newfound teenage sensation.  It was around this time that my wife also brought home the first Twilight novel.  I was shocked not by her desire to read, but by her desire to read anything that was remotely related to the mythical lore of vampires.  She generally dislikes anything to do with vampire tales.  I immediately knew what had happened.  It did not take a score of 184 on the LSAT exam to know that she had been bitten by American pop culture of what is cool and hip as dictated by modern society.  And guess what?  She did not like the book.  To this day she is still the only person I know that has read a Twilight book and has not been smitten by it.  That makes her OK in my book (no pun intended).

So happens, that a few weeks ago I decided to conduct a social experiment of my own.  As the second movie in the Twilight franchise quickly approaches I am starting to see a growing buzz among fans that are anxiously awaiting its arrival in frenzy anticipation.  Heck, you go onto Fandango and that’s all you see, Twilight banners here and there marketing a sense of urgency that you pre-order your tickets now.  What is this, the second coming of Star Wars?  Anyway, I decided to do what I never thought I would do.  I went up to my local Blockbuster, which is now closed by the way (thanks economy and Netflix), and rented the Blu-ray version of Twilight.  After all, I never promised I would not watch it.  I just kind of thought I never would have any kind of burning desire to do so, but I guess you can say I was smitten by pop culture too and being a fan of True Blood, I wanted to see just what everyone is so turned on about in the world of Twilight.  I do admit to being very embarrassed as I was checking out at the register with the Blu-ray rental.  I could only imagine what the teenage kid was thinking about me within their gray matter.  If only I could set their fears straight, but nevertheless I could not.  I honestly don’t know what’s worse, buying condoms from a female store clerk or renting Twilight from a heterosexual male cashier.  Either scenario plants trees of imagination within the cashier’s minds.  Oh well.  Life is full of uncomfortable situations and I will get over it.

I have long been warned of Twilight’s production values.  People that know me well know how picky I am over a film’s production qualities and special effects.  Being an avid viewer of HBO’s True Blood I knew all too well what to expect in the special effects department so I did not let it cloud my judgment while sitting down to give Twilight a watch.  What I was taken a back by was how long and slow the overall movie felt.  It felt like I was running my usual three times a week three mile run in slow motion, but I was not going anywhere.  Being a hardcore fan of vampire mythology and lore I was very surprised by the fact of how bored I was while watching the film, even on Blu-ray.  As you can clearly infer, I was not smitten by the film’s first impressions it left upon me.  I stopped the film with about a half hour left to go and decided I would pick it up then next day when I was feeling more energized and actually motivated to care about what really was happening in the film.  The next day came and went and finally the one night I decided to resume my viewing of the film.  Once again, I did not make it all the way to the end.  I watched another fifteen minutes of the movie and decided to leave the rest for another night as those spent fifteen minutes were enough to put me in a comatose state ready for a heavyweight title bout with Mr. Sandman (“exit light…enter night…off to never never land”).  To this day, I never finished the movie.  I never had one ounce of care within me that wanted to see how things did or did not wrap up.  Isn’t that awful?  How can people like this movie well enough to even remotely care about the sequel coming out this November?  And what’s with that dude’s hair?  I’m afraid I will never learn the answers to all these questions I have brewing within my seemingly restless brain.

And then comes the discussions around the water cooler at work.  There are a lot of females where I am employed so I bet you can already infer that each and every one of them are hardcore Twilight fans.  To talk bad about the film is like walking into a Catholic church and denouncing the existence of God amongst all the parishioners.  You are fighting a losing battle no matter how rationale your arguments may be for your lack of enthusiasm and understanding of Twilight’s appeal among the masses.  The common response/theme I seem to get is that one has to read the books to truly appreciate the film, but the film contains many flaws that the purist book followers find appalling but are negotiable for sake of enjoyment.  That’s just not right.  In my opinion, you either love it or you hate it.  There’s no in between.  But I can’t say this.  To say this would make me a hypocrite.  I’m sure if I dig deep enough, then I can find examples where I feel the same way.  For this reason alone is probably why I see the films first before diving into their corresponding works of literature.  I know that sounds backwards, but that’s how I roll.  If the film appeals to me, then the desire to follow-up with the novelization is even greater for me.  By reading the film’s novel, after I have viewed the movie, I can then fill in any plot holes or gather any essential ingredients I may have missed in my initial viewing of it.  The only time this has ever backfired for me has been my reading of the Lord of the Rings novels.  I know I am a minority here, but those books were a complete bore to me and I had to stop halfway through the second one in fear of turning me off completely from ever wanting to watch the films again.  Of course, due to my strict pledge of allegiance to the Blu-ray format, it will be a while before I can ever check those films out again anyway. 

So where am I going with all this?  If this were a debate class I would have a failing grade.  I am just trying to figure out and understand everyone’s fascination with Twilight.  I need help in doing so. I admit to never reading the novels, however, I am going to stick with the film for sake of argument here.  Not once during my almost completion of the movie did I ever feel the love/connection between the two main characters.  I was even all right with the film’s obvious low budget feel and bad special effects.  I made it a priority for those not to distract me as I tried to watch it solely for the story alone.  I was ultimately very disappoint for my lack of caring and tolerance as it pertains to not even wanting to see how the film ended since after all, I am a newbie to the franchise.  I know the film is catered to and crafted for the younger teenage audience, but they can’t all be that oblivious to what a good story is, can they?

Well I know one individual who is not fooled by the Twilight phenomenon and decided to do something about it.  That individual is none other than our beloved Dexter the dog.  His owner Sandy Murray was generous enough to share with us the pictures of Dexter and his new chew toy, the Twilight Blu-ray.  It’s now obvious to me that I am not the only one who dislikes the Twilight movies.  If you don’t believe me, just take a look below at what Dexter did to his owner’s Twilight Blu-ray.  Dexter must have figured actions speak louder than words.  Maybe that’s where I went wrong with trying to build a case against the Twilight movement.  Anyone have a Twilight Blu-ray I can chew up?  

 

Dexter and his new Blu-ray chew toy.

Does Twilight Suck That Bad?

 

I guess Dexter found a way to get past that Blu-ray protective layer.

Does Twilight Suck That Bad?

 

Dexter is making sure Twilight will not be watched in his house again.

Does Twilight Suck That Bad?

 

I guess we will need to get a spare Blu-ray case from ebay.

Does Twilight Suck That Bad?

 

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ONE HECK OF A PROMOTER!!! Also a Dreamer, Producer, Agent of Love, Film Lover, Writer of Screenplays and a Devoted Apostle to all things Ford Mustangs (the real ones with V8's!). Some of my favorite films include FIGHT CLUB, MOULIN ROUGE, THE DARK KNIGHT, STAR WARS alongside television shows such as SEINFELD, 24, SANFORD & SON and even the often loathed in the geek community BIG BANG THEORY. Outside of my three lives I live I also enjoy spending time with my girlfriend and our three girls (of the furry kind).

3 Responses to “Does Twilight Suck That Bad?”


  1. blu jay

    well–in passing–the Lord of the Rings pics are on TV a lot lately for all us regulars to run eyes over whenever…& they’re pretty long too. have said for yrs. most films way too long.

  2. Ray Basham

    I haven’t even bothered to watch one, the trailers are sucky enough. I agree with you there is no quality of story or acting etc. in Twilight. It sucks.

  3. Sandy

    oh silly boy…. anyone who owns a dog knows that bites are doggie kisses! Dexter LOVES Twilight soooo much, he wanted to nibble it to pieces, just to be closer to it – Duh! It is a sweet love story where the handsome lead just ‘happens’ to be a vampire; not a horror movie where the vampire just happens to fall in love with a human. Edward and Bella are certainly not the first set of star crossed lovers – it’s makes for a good story. A movie that i can safely watch with my 10 year old daughter w/out my finger resting on the FFWD button. Oh, and btw, you’ll be happy to hear that Twilight, the movie, survived! Wouldn’t be the first time my husband exaggerated a Dexter story for dramatic effect. Yes, he destroyed the case and the 2nd DVD of Bonus footage, but the movie survived! Once again, cross species love truly does conquer all 🙂